I'm a pedagogical traveller; I
consider it my duty to help inform the travelling public. After being subjected to one too many
incidents this week, I was driven to write this during my flight today. I’d like to present some basic etiquette guidelines
that will help to ensure your next flight goes smoothly for you and your fellow
travellers. And in all seriousness, feel free to post questions and I'll do my best to answer them.
Security. As you may be
aware there have been radical changes with respect to pre-flight screening at
airports around the world and if you’re flying into or out of North America these
changes affect what you can bring on board with you. For example, you cannot have any single
container of liquids that exceeds 100mL in your carry-on baggage. Should you arrive at the security checkpoint
with something that runs counter to this (or any other) regulation you will not
be allowed through. You can dispose of
the offending article or check your bag.
What you can’t do is argue with the security guys. Yes, I’m sure that perfume IS very expensive
and the bottle is brand new and yes I agree it should be considered alcohol
abuse to throw out that fine single malt you brought with you, however, this is
not an argument that you will EVER win.
All you’re going to do is hold up the people behind you who know what
the fuck they’re doing and simply want to get groped and abused as quickly as
possible so they can catch their flights.
If you’re ignorant of what you can and cannot bring through security,
ask the lovely agent when you check in at the airport – they tend to be very
helpful. Your “duty-free” purchases fall
into this category as well if you have a connecting flight.
Boarding. When that
glorious time arrives where we get to insert ourselves into that aluminum tube
there’s a couple of things you need to understand. They board planes by row numbers (or “seating
position” depending upon your airline) and generally start at the back of the
plane. In any case your row number
and/or seating priority will be printed on your boarding card. Trying to board the flight out of order
causes delays and quite frankly you’re just not that important. Which leads me to another point – I *am* that
important. I fly enough that I’m in the
top tier of my airline’s frequent flyer program and this means I get to board
the plan before anybody else regardless of where I’m seated. I’ve earned that right. So when you get the sense that boarding will
start soon and you crowed the gate so nobody else can get through you are
preventing us from exercising our god given right to board first and ensure
whateverthefuck we choose to bring on board gets comfortably situated in an
overhead bin above our seats. I’m sorry
if by the time you get on the flight there’s no room left in those bins but
suck it up buttercup. If you fly 125,000 miles a year then you too can move to the head of the line, but until
then, know your place. We all get there
at the same time so wait your turn and hopefully we can leave on schedule.
Luggage. When your particular class of people do get invited on board
and you find that the overhead bins are full or nearly full then your options
are limited. It’s perfectly acceptable
to crush your bag trying to fit it into whatever space is available to
you. What isn’t ok is if you are
crushing somebody else’s bag in the process – if you have hard sided luggage it
is very important you consider every other bag up there to be filled with
delicate china. Suppose reorganising the
existing bags will allow you to fit yours in effortlessly. I am in complete agreement that this is the
right thing to do, BUT, you must ask those people around you if they would mind
if you moved their bag to free up some space.
Most people (though not all) will happily agree but some may prefer to
move their own bag. If you simply take
it upon yourself to pull my bag out and put it somewhere else then there’s a
decent chance you’re about to get injured.
Unless you have my expressed verbal permission: Don’t. Ever. Touch. My. Stuff. EVER.
If somebody refuses to allow you to move his or her bag and will not
move it themselves then you need to ask the flight attendant for
assistance. THEY can do whatever the
hell they want to; they are practically gods.
The pilot? She’s an actual god.
Worst case scenario there’s no room on board and the flight attendant
will have your bag checked and you can pick it up from the baggage carousel with the rest of the amateurs
who checked bags. No, you cannot put it
under the seat in front of me and no I will not put my own bag there. Period.
Pushing. OK, you’re
comfortably seated, waiting for push-back and the excitement is building! We can all agree that the regulations demanding
that we completely turn off *all* electronic devices is bullshit. However, remember that demi-god that helped
you with your bag? She didn’t personally
come up with these rules. Neither are they
hers to change. Her job is to ensure
that you follow them. Yes, I know, you’re important people and if you don’t buy
low or sell high right this very second then world economies will crumble. Still. Turn your goddamn phone off and stop
being such a douche bag. Arguing that
your iPad or Kindle is in airplane mode and therefore doesn’t *need* to be
turned off is not a winning argument.
There are no winning arguments!
Turn your shit off. Now. One
thing many people don’t understand is once that cabin door is closed there are
two people on board that own your ass – the “In Charge” flight attendant and
the Pilot. They can do whateverthefuck
they want to do and they’re not to be trifled with. The In Charge can decide she likes the cut of
your jib and ask you to please move up into Business Class. She can equally decide that you’re a douche
and have you removed from the flight – ultimately it’s the Pilot that would
have to make that call but they’ve got each other’s backs. The Pilot has ultimate authority over
everything having to do with that aircraft and its contents but a flight
attendant, with the stroke of a pen, can have you banned from any future
flights on that airline (until such time as you are able to “prove” you’re no
longer an asshole). Ever known somebody who ended up on a no-fly list? It isn't pretty. I’ve personally seen
this happen but it’s easy to avoid: don’t be an asshole. I know travel can be stressful but that doesn’t
give you the right to make it worse.
Landing. You’ve
partaken of the in-flight entertainment and beverages (careful with the wobbly
pops, you get drunk fast up there and they’ve got little patience for drunken
assholes) and finally you hear the landing gear descend… your destination is
finally in sight. This can be a very
exciting occasion because you’ve been dreaming of this holiday all year! Happiness in encouraged but under no
circumstances are you to clap when we land. No cheering. No applause. If you really believe that landings need to
be celebrated then it suggests to me that you felt the outcome of your flight
was somewhat in doubt when you boarded; what the hell are you doing flying if that’s
the case? I’m cool with you sending a
silent shout-out to your deity of choice when we land to express your thanks. But don’t make noise. Would you boo if the plane crashed? I’m serious, no fucking clapping.
Disembarking. OK,
we’ve landed safely (and quietly) and gosh b’golly you’re just raring to
extract yourself from this aluminum tube and get on with the serious business
of hitting the hotel bar. What might
surprise you is that most of us feel the same way. Remember the little thing about how we board
the plane from back to front? We
disembark in the opposite order. That
means the cool kids up front get off the plane first and those poor people
seated next to the lavatory in back are going to be there for a little
while. Bursting from your seat and
rushing to the front to get ahead of your fellow travellers is a big
no-no. You’re just not that
important. No, really, you’re not. Also, because it’s going to take a while for
everybody to collect their stuff and get off the plane, if you’re seated near
the back you may want to consider just sitting there for a while. Immediately jumping up and pulling all of
your stuff down into the isle sounds like the most efficient thing to do but
then you’re stuck standing there, uncomfortable and cramped for 5 minutes. Chillax.
Once the folks 2 rows ahead are starting to move out, then get up, grab
your things and prepare to escape. If your bags are a few rows back or if you're struggling to collect your stuff then please don't get into the isle and hold up everybody else. Wait until you've got all of your stuff together then make a break for it.
As stressful and bewildering as air travel can be, it beats
the hell out of walking. Do your part to
try to make it a good experience for everybody.
Peace.
